"A Helper Comparable" - Amy Lawrence

A Helper Comparable

Seeking and Finding a Spouse

When browsing on Amazon, we as consumers can just type in a description of the item we seek, and hundreds if not thousands of possibilities present themselves at our fingertips. Pictures, videos, and customer reviews allow us to see the items in a more personal way. We can modify our search to limit it to a specific range - color, size, price, rating, even the name of a particular brand - and it will show us our heart’s desire. Seeking a spouse is not so simple. Many would suggest any number of dating websites that use this idea to find a compatible significant other, but there is a personal element missing from such tools. Given that this is an article that is geared toward a study for Christian women, one must ask: how does one find a godly husband in an ungodly world? As He is God, our Lord has answered any question that any Christian will ever have through the written documents we all know as scripture. Before we can glean from it, though, there is a certain foundation a Christian must have before God’s answer can be understood. God expects a student of scripture to have eyes and ears that are capable of seeing and hearing and a heart that is ready to receive, Mt. 13:13-17. If your eyes, ears, and heart are ready, let’s begin a study from God’s Word on the subject of finding a godly spouse.

We’ll first begin with the basics: 

1.)  A woman should be seeking a man and a man should be seeking a woman, Gen. 1:27, Mt. 19:4-5. Seeking the same gender is not an option, Lev. 18:22; 20:13, Rom.

1:18-32, Heb. 13:4. Enough said.

2.)  A divorced man/woman is not always allowed to remarry, Lk. 16:18, 1 Cor.

7:10-11. If you are a woman that has divorced for reasons that are not authorized by

God, then you are still married in the eyes of God Almighty and are ineligible to date. If dating a divorcee, make sure you know whether or not their divorce was scripturally authorized. One should always be in possession of the facts before considering marriage to a divorcee.  

3.)  Although marrying a Christian is recommended, it is not a requirement, 1 Cor. 7:12-13. There are some in the brotherhood that attempt to bind where God has not bound in this matter. Scripture does not support the notion that marrying a nonChristian is disallowed. Having said that, I will also say that a wise Christian that considers not just their own future but also the future of their children, will seek out another Christian to marry.

Now, to the meat of the matter. 

When seeking the person with whom you plan to spend the remainder of your life, do so more with intelligence than emotion. Anyone that allows emotion to steer the helm of their ship is one that is without the anchor of reason to keep them from crashing into the rocky shore. USE. YOUR. BRAIN. FIRST. When making decisions now, consider the impact today’s decisions will have on your future. There’s a word for this concept: prudence. Scripture has a lot to say about prudence, Prov. 8:12; 12:16, 23; 13:16; 14:8, 15, 18; 15:5; 16:21; 18:15; 19:14; 22:3; 27:12, Hosea 14:9. It is always coupled with wisdom. One who lacks wisdom suffers, Prov. 10:13. A lot. A wise person uses patience and observation skills to learn the person they are considering marrying. No, I’m not suggesting fingerprinting, a background check, and an application process for every date. I am suggesting an attention to detail that is not clouded by emotional judgement. People will tell you everything you need to know about them if you just pay attention. 

Another element of prudence is being able to let them go if they are not the right person for you. Being “in love” with someone does not make marriage to that person mandatory nor does it mean the love is reciprocated. One of the biggest mistakes made by people that are dating is that of confusing lust for love. Sexual attraction alone is a terrible way to decide if that person will make a good spouse/parent. With marriage, you are creating a team of two people that become one entity, Eph. 5:31. These two people must work in tandem to build a successful household. The health of a household depends directly on the health of the marriage that is the first building block of that household. If the foundation is God and His will, every block that is laid on that foundation will hold up against any storm.

Make sure love is the tie that binds, and make sure you know how to define “love”. The definition of true love can be found in 1 Cor. 13:4-8. This is the only love that has the power to withstand anything this life can throw at you as a couple. Be prudent when seeking this love, recognizing this love, and being this love. I know you’re thinking, “Well, Amy, you told us earlier not to think with our emotions.” Read 1 Cor. 13 again. Every term that Paul uses to define “love”, ἀγάπη (agapé), is a verb. It’s an action. A person can say “I love you” all day long, but it’s nothing but hot air - until it is shown through their actions. (If actions do not match words, then that’s a red flag, ladies.) The actions listed in 1 Cor. 13 are those of a care for another’s wellbeing ahead of your own. Seek someone whose needs you can put ahead of your own, but also can do the same in return for you. 

Let’s be honest; what we seek most when considering marriage is attraction. As I will agree that beautiful people have a much easier time gaining attention, one must be careful that their beauty is not only skin-deep. Absalom was an incredibly handsome man, but his character was appalling, 2 Sam. 13:30; 14:25.. A Christian seeking true beauty will seek spiritual beauty, not just physical. David had such beauty, 1 Sam. 16:6-13; 17:42, Ps. 34:18. We should also consider, though, that outward attractiveness is not a necessity. Jesus Himself was recorded as being average in His outward appearance, Is. 53:2. He is still beautiful to the spiritually focused mind that knows Him and is eager to see Him, 2 Tim. 4:8. Don’t overestimate (or underestimate) what you see, Jn. 7:24. A person can look like a 10 on the outside, but if their character is a 3, then they’re a 3. The opposite is true, as well; a 3 on the outside that is a 10 on the inside is a 10. Kindness is beautiful. Joy is beautiful. Meekness, self-control, gentleness, patience, intelligence, selflessness are all beautiful. Outward beauty will fade. Only inward integrity can stand the test of time. Be more attracted to that beauty.

When it comes to finding someone that you will share space with indefinitely, there’s not really a checklist. That’s not how it works. Everyone is attracted to varying combinations of attributes. You can set your own standard, though. It is important to find a person with whom you can coexist well. Common likes and dislikes are essential to the success of any relationship. You will never find that success if you don’t know what you stand for - and won’t stand for - in the relationship. Set boundaries for yourself. Respect boundaries of anyone you date. Learn habits! Whether they are your own or those of anyone you date, LEARN HABITS! If it’s a bad habit, change! Part of setting boundaries is asking your significant other to change bad habits as well, and if they refuse to change, that’s another red flag! Never assume that a person cannot change. (It takes time, so be patient.) We are all a fluid concept. It’s the willingness to change what needs to be changed and keep what needs to be kept that is the determining factor of maturity. (Don’t sell yourself short by assuming they will change after marriage, either. I know many women that have made that mistake. If they won’t change while you’re dating, they won’t change while you’re married, Luke 16:10-11.) A couple that desires a successful marriage has to be two people that can communicate within a balance of being accountable to one another. They also, above all, must be forgiving. Mistakes will be made. A successful marriage is that of two good forgivers, Eph. 4:31-32.

When God placed Adam in the Garden of Eden, He said, “It is not good that man should be alone. I will make him a helper comparable to him.” (Gen. 2:18) The word used for “comparable” here is the Hebrew word נָגַַד (nagad). This word is used elsewhere in scripture to describe proximity, the space and time shared in the relationships of people. There is more detail given to this relationship between husband and wife, though. Gen. 2:21-22 describes the very first Father that led His daughter to her waiting bridegroom. Adam describes Eve as being “bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh”, vs. 23. Husband and wife do not just share time and space. They share flesh, vs. 24-25. Before I go on, I need to make one thing inescapably clear; boyfriends do not get husband privileges. Period. There is no such thing as a “test drive” when it comes to physical relations between a man and a woman. Purity is a requirement in every aspect of God’s law, and marriage is no exception, Heb. 13:4. This is where it is most vital that we USE OUR BRAIN and not our emotions. If you are susceptible to losing your good sense in situations where there is the temptation to go too far with a date, then don’t put yourself into those situations. Paul dealt with a problem the Corinthians were suffering when it came to physical relations. The city itself was rife with sexual immorality. One of the questions the Corinthian Christians asked Paul was answered in 1 Cor. 7:1-2: “to avoid sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife and each woman have her own husband.” This is the only relationship in which the sharing of flesh is allowed. If a date refuses to respect this boundary, that’s not just a red flag - that’s shark-infested waters. Find a man that is as obsessed with purity as you should be.

God set a pattern for all households. In order to enjoy the success God’s law provides, one must adhere to the organization God’s law commands, Gen. 18:19. As Christian women, we are commanded to submit to our husbands, Eph. 5:22. Once you are married, you don’t get to decide at that point that you cannot submit to the man you chose. Find a man to whom you can submit BEFORE you marry. This is the only time you get to decide. Understand also the wording of Eph. 5:22. It doesn’t say, “husbands, make your wives submit”. That is not his job, so don’t make it his job. He has a heavy enough responsibility already. Submission is our responsibility. I have found, however, that it is easy to submit when I love the one to whom I submit. My husband takes care of me, the care that is described in Eph. 5:25, sometimes even to the sacrifice of himself. THAT’S love, Phil. 2:3-5. It’s only fair that I reciprocate, Prov. 31:27-28. Does this mean I don’t have to reciprocate if my husband doesn’t take care of me? No. I’m not just submitting to my husband. I’m also submitting to God, 1 Pet. 2:18-25, and He has commanded that I submit to my husband - no matter how easy or difficult that becomes. Even if it does become difficult, don’t underestimate the influence of good character. If I do what I should do, even if my husband does not, my conduct could one day convince my husband to behave as God would have him, 1 Pet. 3:1-2. This works both ways. Good husbands can also influence wives to be more godly. 

Most women get this idea in their heads that “submission” is a bad word that carries undesirable connotations. This is usually because all they have ever known was a misrepresentation of submission. I clean my husband’s dirty socks and underwear, but I’m not his maid. I wash my husband’s used dishes, but I’m not his waitress. I know this because of the appreciation he shows for the things that I do for him. He earns the money that enables him to mow a lawn he barely gets to enjoy, maintain the structural integrity of a house and its utilities he spends less than a quarter of his time using, and ensure the wellbeing and happiness of the people that get to reap the benefits of these things more than he does - but that doesn’t make him my personal ATM. He knows this because I show appreciation for the things he does for me. Communication and selflessness are two very principal keys to a working relationship between husband and wife. He doesn’t treat me as chattel and lord over me, either. Husbands should love their wives as they do their own flesh, Eph. 5:28-29.

Submission is not a baser, degrading position to hold. It is simply that of a follower. Any good leader is aware of the needs of anyone under their leadership but also takes into account the desires and opinions of those in their care. Such respect makes submitting to such a leader an easy choice. This, of course, doesn’t mean that they do not have the final authority. My husband frequently asks my opinion on important decisions, but ultimately the decision is his and his alone. There have been (and I’m sure will be) times that I have not agreed with the decision my husband has made. This does not give me the right to overstep the boundaries God has set. Sometimes my husband was right and I didn’t see until after the fact. Sometimes, he was wrong. I would love to tell you that I have always handled the “I told you so” conversation with patience, understanding, and forgiveness…but that would be a lie. I will say this; any time the conversation WAS handled with patience, understanding, and forgiveness, that’s where growth happened. Such communication gave him the wherewithal to admit his mistake and also to more freely forgive my mistakes in the future. God’s way works best, every time, Ps. 1:1-3, Nahum 1:7.

I have been blessed with a wonderful husband. He wasn’t dropped into my lap nor I into his. He wasn’t miraculously instructed to find me and woo me, nor was I divinely struck upon the back of the head and told to locate and marry this man. We were blessed through the providence of God with sense, circumstance, and opportunity. God still left the decision up to us. I have now been happily married for almost 21 years. “Happy” doesn’t mean there wasn’t trouble. We’ve had more good days than bad, but the bad days have made the good all the more pleasant. We are a team as we raise our daughter, we are a force to be reckoned with when battling those problems that come along, and we owe all of this to God because it is Him we follow.

His word is our shield and buckler, Ps. 91:4.

If you are a woman in search of a good husband, God’s word describes how such a man can be recognized. It makes them so much easier to find when you know what you’re looking for and doing so in the right place - the church. Just don’t ignore the probability that those good men are seeking good women. If you want a good husband, you have to be a good wife. The woman in Proverbs 31 is the kind that doesn’t ignore chapters 1-30. I hope this study has given you a starting point to a bountiful harvest from the will of God in how to find a good husband and be a good wife. I pray that every wife finds herself as blessed as this one is.